Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
“Pooh! he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw.
“I just wanted to be sure of you.”
-A.A. Milne
We all need reassurance now and then, reassurance that our friend or partner is there for us. It is one of our basic human needs. Call it the need to belong, the need to connect, the need to be safe and part of a group, or the need to be seen and heard: it is a need for love, and it is universal among us.
Many of our human needs can only be met through our relationships with others. Healthy relationships are a must for our overall sense of wellbeing. Many of us, however, do not have the skills necessary to maintain and repair the important relationships in our lives. All too often people are feeling disconnected, distant, or angry with their spouse.
In her groundbreaking book, “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love,” clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson explains that as an adult, you are “emotionally attached and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection.”
Johnson found that couples who are stuck in a pattern of repetitive conflict or a slow drifting apart benefit greatly from learning how to repair their emotional bond.
The first step is to increase your awareness of your own needs and feelings, and to become more attuned to those of your partner.
Get curious about your feelings. It may help to print out a list, such as the one here, and refer to it to increase your emotional vocabulary.
Take special note of those times when you react suddenly and strongly to something. (Hint: your partner may tell you that you are “OVER-reacting”). Once the storm has passed, reflect on the incident and break it down into the “trigger,” your feelings, and your behaviour. For example, “When my partner didn’t want to talk about our finances (trigger), I felt angry, hurt, and scared that the situation will never change (feelings). I withdrew and cried in the bathroom (behaviour).” At this point, the emotional bond is in need of repair before the couple can have a productive conversation about their finances.
The next step is to become familiar with your needs. Again, a list can be very enlightening. I remember the first time I read over a list of universal human needs. Rather than simply reading the words, I prefaced each word with the phrase, “I have a need for…” It was an empowering experience—I highly recommend you try it!
In the example above, the person who is feeling angry and hurt may realize that she has an unmet need for reassurance, just like Piglet! She needs to hear that her partner cares and is willing to share the task of managing their finances. She needs to know that she is not alone.
Now that she knows her feelings and needs, she can approach her partner and share her experience, rather than withdrawing or blaming. She can also get curious about her partner’s feelings and needs. When a couple is able to share their feelings and needs with each other—and truly hear the other person—a feeling of connection and closeness is restored.
Once the connection is restored, then, and ONLY then, can they tackle the difficult topics such as finances and parenting. When one or both partners are feeling disconnected and unsafe, the rational brain literally turns off while the emotional brain (the limbic system) takes over.
So the next time you catch yourself reacting in your relationship, slow down, and give yourself some time to discern your feelings and needs, and then turn your attention to re-establishing a connection to your partner by sharing your experience with him or her.
Finally, be patient with yourself. These are new skills for most people and it takes time, and often some support to master them. Rest assured, though, that in the name of love, it is well worth the effort!
