We are wired for connection. As babies, we are completely dependent on the care of others for our survival. Our relationship to our caregivers is our lifeline, and any perceived threat to that relationship triggers a major reaction: brains and bodies go into “high alert” until we can be sure the bond is, in fact, intact.

As adults, we are not so different! Instead of looking to our parents to meet our attachment needs, we now look to our partners.  If we sense that they are not there for us, we perceive a “life and death” situation and we experience a BIG reaction.

Something as seemingly benign as a critical tone of voice, a lack of eye contact, or a slight turning away can trigger an attachment fear. Each one of us has a different set of triggers depending on our life story. And each one of us will react to the perceived threat in a unique way.

When you fear your partner is not there for you, do you tend to withdraw and go quiet and tell yourself you don’t need him/her anyway? Or do you tend to lash out with angry words, criticism, sarcasm, and blame? What about your partner?

Is there a particularly sensitive area in your psyche that is easily triggered? For example, do you react strongly to being criticized, abandoned, or ignored?

Learning about your attachment fears and reactions and those of your partner can help diffuse and repair — and even prevent — those painful moments of disconnect.

And, fostering healthy relationships as adults is one of the best ways to repair the relational deficits we may have experienced as children.